Whats up?

Where to start...

Still working at the same job. Things are going well there, Ive made a lot of improvements since I've been at this job, It was really a mess until I took over. Ive been there for the last 8 months now and I'm just now starting to get things straightened out.

Ive been training the employees and writing and implementing new procedures so things run smoother and so everyone knows what there job is now. Plus I have a better relationship with the staff than the last supervisor. I probably do too much for what Im getting paid for but thats ok because I really like the job and enjoy the people I work with. It was really a big change going from being self employed to working for someone else but for the most part its been a positive experience. I just wish they would pay more. I will be asking for a raise after Ive been there for a year but its doubtful they want to pay me any more than they do now. I will probably end up looking for something else before too long.

Its really a shame that someone can bust there ass for a company and do the things I do for them and still not afford to put a roof over my head or even health insurance. I guess I could go the section 8 route but Im probably better off just living im my car. I just dont think I could stand living with a bunch of other poor people. I know that sounds horrible coming from some one who is poor as well but thats just the way I feel about it. I guess Im just too proud, I want to get out of this mess im in  by myself.

Speaking of being poor, I don't talk about my finances to often here but I will make an exception this time. I just got a letter in the mail from the company that I have my student loan with stating that they are going to turn my loan over to the government so they will be taking it out of my future taxes and what ever else they can get from me.  Ive been expecting this for some time now since I haven't made a payment in over 2 years and I don't blame them since I owe them over 30,000 dollars. The letter didn't mention taking it our of my paycheck but I'm sure thats coming at some point. I hope someday to take care of this but right now I just cant do it. Im slowly saving up to buy a new (used) car I have 1000 in the bank right now saved, I had close to 1500 a few weeks ago but I had a few repairs to make on my current SUV and some other stuff came up so I lost a bit of ground. I just pray everyday that my car keeps running until I can get at least 3 or 4 thousand together so I can get something else or find a place that I can live and just take the bus everywhere.

The whole relationship thing is really getting on my nerves. Ive met a few girls recently that I think are  interested in me but I could just imagine what there reaction would be when I tell them I live in my SUV. Its tough to find someone you can really trust.

Ok thats it for now. 

I really don't get on this site very often or check the email account so if it takes awhile for me to return any messages I apologize in advance.

Feel like running

Im getting that feeling again.  

I start to get anxious, shaking uncontrollably.

can hardly write this right now.

not sure why I feel this way. 

DOnt think I was made to stay in one place too long.

This job is getting old. 

I work for idiots and people who take advantage of there employees.

I need the sun, fresh air, peace.

Not sure how much longer I can stay here. 

Maybe a few more weeks

But then what?

Saved a few bucks enough to get me somewhere but not enough to live on for long.

Just need to run.

 

The cold and colds/flu

I have always believed that the cold doesn't give you a cold or flu know matter how many times Im told by people that it does. Well I can tell without I doubt I am correct.

Ive been staying in my car all winter and let me tell you it gets pretty darn cold at night even with a sleeping bag, hat, gloves and extra blankets.

But for the first time in my life I havent had so much as a sniffle all winter long!

1 year anniversary

Ok, so I’m coming up on my one-year anniversary for being homeless and living in my SUV.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and have learned to look at the world though a different set of eyes in that time. Its kind of funny but about 6 years ago I tried to kill myself (ha hilarious!). Part of the reason was because I knew I would end up in this situation eventually and I thought It would be better to just off myself then to continue down this path to homelessness. Its odd that I didn’t even remember making this prediction until years later when I had been homeless for a few months. 

But now that I’m homeless I have found it’s not so bad. There are actually a lot of positives I’ve gotten from this experience; I don’t have to pay rent or utilities for one, which gives me a certain freedom that most people don’t have. I have the freedom to move whenever I want and I don't have to cut the grass ever again! I also feel a connection I never felt before with the world around me thats hard to explain but its like I feel more alive and aware of the things going on it the world ( Maybe Ive gone down the rabbit hole) Don’t get me wrong though there are plenty of downsides to this as well, the number one thing is lying to family and friends. It really sucks that I have to do this but I just know that they wouldn’t understand and would try to help even though by helping they would just make things worse for me. 

It might sound weird but I think I could live like this for some time and maybe even indefinitely. Heck I might have to because of the bills I owe for taxes credit cards and school loans. I like the fact that none of them know where I am, I just have to hope that none of them contact my family.

The job I’m working at now is ok. The pay right now sucks but they have promised me a promotion after about a year, which would be great if it actually happens but I’m not holding my breath. This job is fairly simple I sit around most of the time playing on the Internet. I’m actually at work now writing this. When something does happen it gets pretty chaotic very quickly though. The one thing I do like about this job is that I’m the boss and I get to run things the way I want for the most part. Although I’m not used to supervising people I think I can get to be pretty good at it with time.

As far as my mental state. Well there are good days and bad. I will be honest I still think about offing myself from time to time, I don’t think that feeling will ever go away. But at least I have no immediate plans right now and for the first time in awhile I believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.. I think having a bit of money in my pocket and the job helps. I’ve also been doing my art, that definitely gives me something to look forward too as well. My love life pretty much sucks which is nothing new, although I have gotten laid a few times in the past few months, which is always good.

My artwork has been going well I have come up with a new process (for me anyway) that I’m really excited about. Now that I’m not trying to make money off of my work as much I can just enjoy the process and relax. Although someday I still want to make a living doing my art I just don’t know if it will ever happen. But that’s ok I will continue to do my best and have faith the it will happen when it happens.

This cold weather really makes me miss my stay in the south last year. I long to go back to that little paradise. Sometime so much it hurts and I feel physically ill. I just don’t have the means to get there nor can I seem to tear myself away from Cincinnati. Its not really the fear of a new place its that the people I leave behind (mainly Mom and family) would do nothing but give me a guilt trip the whole time. Some times I just wish I could just leave them behind and start over. Sorry Mom I love you but you’re a pain the ass sometimes.

I’ve really become a flaming liberal in the past year or so. When your homeless and poor its hard not to be. When you see the rich make money off of the working class and you see their attitude towards everyone else around them its kind of sick. They just assume that because your poor your useless and lazy and quite honestly I think some would rather just see the poor put into camps and put to death. I see some of the things I used to believe in and realize its just a bunch of propaganda from the right wingers. I see the same things being repeated over and over again about people on welfare or people without jobs or those who collect food stamps. How lazy these people are or how they didn’t finish school like there are suppose to or who end up hooked on drugs or prostitution or dealing. ITS ALL-THERE FALT RIGHT!!! It has nothing to do with being raised in broken homes with parents that didn’t give a fuck about them or abused them or didn’t care if they went to school or not. I mean how many of you would be leading productive lives if you grew up in an environment like that? Sure there is the exception to the rule, some do overcome the odds and make something of themselves but that’s the exception to the rule not the rule. OK done with that little rant. We need to change how we do things if the world but I doubt it will ever happen.

The car situation is the same, it was giving me some trouble again last month but luckily I fixed it without having to spend too much money. I just hope it lasts long enough for me to save up to buy a new one. Which is probably not going to be for another year or so just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best.

Well I think I covered everything for the time being. One day I hope I can share this blog with friends and family, I could just picture the look on there faces..