Failure

Ok so just a warning my next few blog posts are going to be a bit dark and self obsessed but you have to realize I’m not writing this for your benefit but for mine.

As I mentioned in my previous post a client call me up yesterday wanting to hire me for a quick job. Unfortunately I can’t do it because I’ve sold all my equipment. I wrote back to the client in an email telling them that I am no longer working as a artist and have moved on to bigger and better things. Not exactly the truth but it sound better then "I had to sell all my equipment and I am now living in my car, plus I’m working a lousy job that I cant stand so I cant do the work that I love".

So as you can imagine this kind of really sucks.  This is the first time I had to let a client know I’m no longer in business and its really hard for me to admit to my failure.

So lets talk about failure for a minute. When I was younger I always told myself that I would never look back and that you do the best you can and you will always succeed in what you do. No regrets.

Now that I’m older and have gone thru some pretty shitty times I find myself full of regrets, I find myself wishing I had done things differently. I have never been one to blame other people for my problems and I hate to start now but I wish when I was younger I would have had someone to push me more, whether it was in school or with my personal life I always felt like I had to rely on myself to do everything. I never asked for help from friends or family and always kept everything to myself when things weren’t working out.

I’m kind of at a loss now. I’m not sure where my life is going and I feel like I have missed so may opportunities that now I just need to keep my head down and just deal with it, which is really hard for me to do. I want to succeed but I’ve just been so beaten down over the last few years I’m afraid to even try any more. I’m constantly thinking about just running off somewhere and quitting this job I’ve been doing but I know if I do that I will just end up in a worse situation than I’m already in.

I keep trying to think of something positive to say here but I just cant. Even now my reaction is to try to act like everything is ok but its really not. I get my next paycheck in about 10 days maybe then I will feel better knowing that I will have enough money to eat and buy a few things that I really need. But I know that will only be a temporary fix and I will be back to this depression before too long.